Despite the industrial-sized recycle bin that dominates our building's mailroom, I prefer to take all my personalized junk mail upstairs, to terminate it with extreme prejudice in the privacy of my own flat.
Tonight, my haul included several fee-free pre-paid super-exclusive credit card offers. One of them made me pause as I fed its paperwork to my shredder. It was a credit card offer from (Big_Firm) - the first in my experience. Besides ad booklet and the card application, the envelope contained an insert which was folded in half and labeled on the outside:
"PLEASE DO NOT OPEN THIS UNLESS YOU'VE ALREADY DECIDED TO SAY NO."
What on Earth is there left to talk to me about if I've already said no? thought I and opened the insert.
Inside was the following text:
"Frankly, I'm surprised at you. The (Big_Firm) card offer is ever so wonderful! It's free, and you can use it at thousands of (Big_Firm) gas stations and affiliated grocery stores! I sincerely hope you reconsider, or else my opinion of your good character will suffer horribly. Signed, Chief Vice Cunt of (Big_Firm)."
As you may have noticed, the bit towards the end was paraphrased, but otherwise, the text is quoted near verbatim. How do you like that, now? My junk mail is scolding me for not complying with it.
I'm now awaiting the next set of offers from this company. I expect they'll have the following text appended to them:
"If you persist in your refusal to sign up for our service, special (Big_Firm)-licensed vivisectors will procure in your name and sodomize a litter of fluffy kittens."
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